Not Dolly Doctor but ...Soul Doctor

Teeming with life even in this drought I can hear the birds twittering and the flocks of white galahs take flight overhead . I love the reminiscent times I’ve been in places similar . The smell of rotting fish bait is even rekindling fond memories ! The boys and I watched a guy clearly not homegrown enjoying the bounty off the jetty.  It was like him and his dog were wetting their jowls baiting up the nets with chicken carcasses and fish bits to bring on the crabs . The crabs we could see skittering through the shallows claws outstretched. We spoke of their carnivorous appetite pulling at dead crabs right in front of us and the danger of snakes along the stretch of path . I’m amazed by the unafraid tiny birds flitting around me as I sit on this log. Seems almost criminal to be having an IT device in this nature scape.

Gabriella piped up about our guinea pigs in bed last night...light bulb moment as she suggested they come to visit scouts. Now dogs - they are ferocious at times and freak children and their  parents. Guinea pigs just make small mess. We can make ink prints for the feet. I can see the delight on the children's faces now. Now to put it into the calender . Aren't they adorable?!

Awoken @4am with messages from neighbours about the noisy guests we’ve allowed to stay at our Airbnb ...firstly the anguish and embarrassment it causes me personally ...i should have checked their credentials more carefully , quizzed them about their reasons for needing the accomodation . Instead I’m left with this deficit and all I can do is profusely apologise to the neighbours and bear their gaze as I drive up the street unable to meet their eye. I feel I bear the brunt of these actions , sort of left with the debris and much that I brace myself for these character-building moments I would rather we don’t go through them . Pressure from others- blame laid I feel more unsettled than ever . All I can do is worry about today and thank God no one is dead . Only an hour before I had to reschedule Gabriella’s appointment because we haven’t paid the health insurance premium . That surely made me feel dumb - how wishful thinking was I hoping it would be covered by Medicare or moreover not ...

The gater is what this machine is called . The boys got hyperactive at the thought of driving it . I was maybe a little overbearing , taking the conservative approach ... “only with your father alongside ...only in this area” . They were so delighted to have a turn and it was intriguing to watch them figure out the brake and clutch , a true driving lesson . Note to parents best not let it be done alongside fencing... Gavin , proud owner , boasted that he fit 16 Japanese in the back - would have liked to see that . The highlight was feeding the horses and sheep trailing , swamping us as we brang them their feed .

getting the guinea pigs has opened up many educational opportunities. The dog touches noses with them and is often sniffing around their living box . I’d they are out he way he’s watching their movements intently , helping them not get lost . Gabriella is googling pregnancy in guinea pigs and what do they eat etc so it’s become a pet project ...welcome during this long vacation period. When they have babies that will be fascinating for all of us .

Counselling I am so familiar with. I have given group counsel for breastfeeding, received counsel from a religious perspective , parental counsel, couple counselling, women's groups... There is benefit in talking things and out and seeking clarification from an objective third person. I hate seeking 'counsel' on resume and assignments certain they are going to tear it apart...in a sensitive manner I'm sure! I just want to be able to write freely not second -guessing myself, considering whether I've made some inappropriate disclosure ready to be misinterpreted. I cringe at the critical eyes upon my work and it shocks me how wrong I am in how I write an assignment at times. I promise this year to be different though . I will humbly submit my assignments for scrutiny ...can't wait for those raised eyebrows, those incredulous looks.. like 'what ARE you on about?!?' It's a bit sad I don't look forward to university really...glad the financial needs r...

Now we have been arching our backs the kids and I as we watch Dance Academy entranced . Do you identify ? It was a laugh seeing our four year old impersonation of the breakdance or ? As he’d witnessed on the show . Both him and sister are committed to undergoing the transformation into these dancers they see . The suster is convinced she will develop the same level of skill in weeks ... Me ...the show just makes me realise how my so called fit really is not that fit compared to these dancers . Makes me question my level of commitment to anything ! Have I applied for sufficient jobs today , prepared enough food , cleaned the house ...? Much that I want to express myself I am tired of talking and want pushing to get things done . A hot tea and to lie down and read my book seems awfully appealing at the moment .

I am like an elephant . I trudge slowly along trying to get the jobs done . Then at last I plunder the lot snorting in anger about the disaster that threatens . I hate that I am like this . I desperately want change bit fall into the same pattern again leaving me hoarse and unheard again as my son is blatantly  obvious . Like a pimple , the face is not seen for the red blotch forming a bulls eye . All the legitimate concerns I have fall to smithereens as people scoff at the poor example I set for our children let alone the neighbours . I’m certain my husband sees me as an eyesore . Anyhow no use getting g hung up on it . I need to relent and repent but firstly I need to find the strength to do either . I am tired of endless conversations trying to resolve one issue that end up curtailing to an issue totally left field . I do t know what is fair and unreasonable now . What to base these expectations on ? I will cut off contact from those around me . Interaction seems futile , i...

What to do to overcome drudgery : I was not looking forward to a late afternoon toying with kids. If I wasn’t fatigued ( both physically and of managing children’s behaviour) I would not have had such a grey perspective.  I did though get artistic with Mexican corn salad and strangely that brought joy ...until barely anyone ate it but me . I even instagrammed it . Watching dancing ballerinas a la Netflix improved my stance and gave sudden escape . Made my time with the kids half enjoyable too. Gianni kept kicking me in the back high got a bit beying a vigorous massage - if only he could get his heels in the right places . My book invites but the children need to get to bed first before I can get into that . My brother had sent message asking his I was and I did not want to honestly answer that as I had not a lot of positive I wanted to reflect on at that point . Still unanswered. Then I recalled the glorious bike ride I had this morning where I heard the birds , watchin...

Talking with someone today I realised that I was a LOT more emotional about alms issues than I had realised . It is frustrating as some things you ...well I....think I’ve talked about , time has moved on and therefore the heart should move on as well. But it’s dredged backup by a memory , a comment or a location . Times like this I wish my short and long term memory was wiped and I could simply act in the present . Instead I was a blubbery mess and for the remainder of the day was quite drained by the emotion . The tears leaked into empathy for lower socio economic groups with me recalling times I could have helped some kids in strife before they wound up in refuges .

I'm a bad girl staying up this late. I was nasty to my husband, uncaring of the kids and now I'm trying to recover lost ground. I need to feel as though I am not going backwards. My spiraling behaviour was spurred on by the 1 (only 1! too) glass of wine I now regret having. Funny I tear strips off the kids for squirting chilli sauce around the house ...mainly Mr 4 yr old the culprit there and then act like a total idiot myself. Yes, it was only for a 5 min period if that but it killed any positive negotiations I may have been having until then. Oh I have a sinister heart!! On a positive  note I applied for 3 (or 4?) jobs tonight ...all of which sounded pretty 'up my alley'. I can see how this potential job could save me from both myself and my children. Weird to consider how much relevant experience I do have in the industries of disability and trauma and domestic abuse. I often have felt cursed to be weighed down by these sad experiences but I have begun to appreciate...

The thought of going to the river worries people no end ...sunburn , bull sharks , drowning ...not to mention the dirt . Anyhow we convinced our friend to come and the boys had a ball skylarking in the shallows . It was almost relaxing . My friend there is not relaxed at the best of times and in spite of the effect of half a beer she shrieked at the kids intermittently . Poor kids desperate to free themselves of their wet clothing but their mum was not going to risk them getting burnt yet again . For all the difficulties getting the children there painted with sunscreen and complaining about leaving their home base ...it was worth it . Seeing them play together free and having fun . Being left alone for 30 minutes by children was a welcome reprieve . I hate that I feel guilty about these seemingly non-productive sessions I have - not much tangible product to show for their, nor my, benefit . We have not made money doing this and there is no direct Link to the short nor long term ben...

South America was a place I chose to do an exchange programme aged 17. Such poignant memories : walking along cobbled paths in Uruguay , squeezing into crowded trains in Argentina , watching pink sunrise overlooking the mountains of Chile.... I regret I did not make use of more opportunities there stuck in despair at times when things were not panning out as imagined . The intimate encounters I had with families there and friends are engrained in my mind , still vivid 20 odd years later . I loved those families and although I was not their child I shared their table and hugs and my tears . I’m indebted to some of the people there and should go back . Funny that  my best friend there married an English speaking person adopting their culture in a sense over her Latin roots . I think the political corruption and financial difficulties in Argentina made it hard to remain loyal to their culture . She I would love to meet up with again . I loved her mother and brothers . Such a vulnerabl...

I know you are thinking disloyalty is related to adulterous relations but that’s not what I had in mind . Moreso the disloyalty I frequently feel when my relatives , including my children , don’t feel the same as me about a topic and in a sense I disown them . I create a them and us mentality and sort of say ...well that may be your way but I’m not going with you . I have the nerve to act these notions out in rAther unconventional ways ; like acts of rebellion ...I will eat dinner without you. Or I will hide the bottle because I’m of the conviction that one’s enough and the rest is to be to share with our guests tomorrow . I realise i’m being self righteous and yet I still think I AM right. I dId think I’m open to negotiation but too often that has backfired on me as I’ve considered their wants and so-called  needs too much . I’ve swung bwteen extremes I realise having felt belittled in the past and feeling like I’ve sacrificed my morals and conscience long the way to appease the ...

The river features in our life every second day or so. We go and jump in to escape the heat and the doldrums of our lives...break it up if you know what I mean. Reminds me of the eclectic mix of the greater community. It refreshes my spirit being in the natural bushland looking out into the expanse of water. I get joy watching the kids splash freely there. On of the few times we are all there as a family lately having fun has been in the river.  The current runs swift beckoning another place to uncover further down. Must drift along with it one day. I also felt alone there left with my thoughts and it was good for me. So close to my home and such escape. Teenagers treat it as their 'cool' meeting place. Where are the parents ? I felt sad we were not all together at one river location today. Reminded me of the discord, resentment built up against me. Some things I can't fix and I resort to praying and staying out of their way hoping their heart will change eventually. ...